Inappropriate Messages Funny Jokes Inappropriate Text Messages

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Let's be honest – dirty jokes can be a hit or a miss. But if the adult jokes are good, they're really good. And perhaps, you'll even find some new sexting material. Because we all know being able to laugh about sex is the key to every lasting relationship anyway. Or, a less awkward one anyway.

Whether you need a good dirty pick-up line to text your partner, a witty joke to share with your friends, or you just love a good sexual innuendo, there are plenty of dirty adult jokes here but – you know – make sure you're in good company.

65 Dirty Adult Jokes

What the … ?

1. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
2. What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'? About three inches.
3. What's the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
4. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
5. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
6. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.

1. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
2. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!
3. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A tearjerker.
4. What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
5. What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night.
6. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blowjob.
7. What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids.
8. What did the clitoris say to the vulva? It's all good in the hood!
9. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It's not what it looks like!

Dirty Pickup Lines

1. Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.
2. 'You're cute' has U in it, but 'quickie' has U and I together.
3. Do you do carpeting? Because I'm looking for a deep shag.
4. Is your name winter? Because you'll be coming soon.
5. You're so hot, my zipper is falling for you.
6. They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me?
7. I'm on top of things. Would you like to be one of them?
8. I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours
9. Your body is 70 percent water… and I'm thirsty.

1. I lost my keys… can I check your pants?
2. Do I have to sign for your package?
3. Are you an elevator? Because I'll go up and down on you.
4. Roses are red. Violets are fine. You be the six. I'll be the nine.
5. I wish you were my big toe. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house.
6. Are you a campfire? Because you're hot and I want s'more.
7. Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.
8. Let only latex stand between our love.
9. I'm not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight.
10. Let's play carpenter! First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
11. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.

More Dirty Jokes

1. Masturbation always leads to sex. It's a gateway tug.
2. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
3. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
4. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
5. How many Bitcoin maxis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "That's not funny!" – Bitcoin maxis (Elon Musk)
6. I just found an origami porn channel, but it's paper view only.

1. Did you hear about the man who ejaculated without a penis? He came out of nowhere.
2. Why do vegans give better head? They're used to eating nuts.
3. "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds." (Joan Rivers)
4. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
5. Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
6. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
7. "Name something you can say during Game of Thrones and sex. The ending was disappointing." (@fantasticthor)
8. Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

1. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
2. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
3. How is a thunderstorm similar to sex? You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.
4. How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
5. How is life like a penis? It sometimes gets hard when you least expect it.
6. "Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing." (Mike Ginn)
7. If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
8. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
9. "Want to know why women don't blink before foreplay? Not enough time." (Joan Rivers)
10. I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

1. Why do mice have such small balls? Because so few of them know how to dance.
2. I'm not sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the one hand, it feels pretty great!
3. How is sex like a game of bridge? With a great hand, you don't even need a partner.
4. Why is masturbation just like procrastination? It's all good until you realize you're only screwing yourself.
5. Lick me 'till ice cream.
6. When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
7. I got mad at him for pulling out. I told him it was a dick move.
8. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

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Ashley Hubbard is a vegan travel writer and photographer. She travels the world showcasing the best responsible methods of travel on her blog, Wild Hearted. When she is not traveling or writing, Ashley can be found hiking, exploring the corners of Nashville, or buying yet another houseplant. Follow her on Instagram or Twitter!

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